Seventeen years ago yesterday I began a new life.
When I was young and impetuous, I drove away from the frozen wasteland of Western Kansas watching it fade in my rear view mirror driving hard toward the glittering Land of Oz. Or at least a place warmer than the -15 windchill of a Kansas winter.
For the most part, I found it.
I lived in Texas for many years. Then Alabama, Georgia, back to Texas and finally to Southern Illinois which sounds warmer, but really isn’t. In the ensuing 14 years, I moved so many times in Pursuit of Happiness that my Mom finally just penciled my latest address into her book.
I had big dreams. Not so much dreams of fame and fortune, but dreams of “being somebody.”
During that period of time I met Dr. Phil. (Yes, the Dr. Phil)
And when he asked what I was afraid of, I blurted, “That I will die and my life will not have mattered.”
At the time, I was amazed at the answer.
And yet, I wasn’t.
For after all, what else is there when push comes to shove, when you are alone in your bed…..or not so alone, at least physically, but your wounded heart and soul cry out, “Is this all there is?”
I did all the things that the world says makes for ”the good life.”
I had money. A fulfilling career. I traveled. Ate at fine restaurants and shopped till I dropped. I had friends….sort of. Like the night a broken pipe flooded my new apartment soaking all the boxes. I’d hit a low point in life and this was the proverbial straw that broke the camels back. I called a friend from work to ask her to help me. She refused…..even though she’d said, “If you need anything at all, don’t hesitate to call. I can be right there in a minute.” My river of bitter tears almost matched the flood of water from the broken pipe.
All the things I ran toward were nothing more than a band-aid for my broken heart. Later, after finding real community, I realized that her refusal to help was really a symptom of my life at the time. I held everything and everyone at arm’s length to avoid getting hurt and all my relationships were surface. Especially my relationship with God.
It seemed schizophrenic. A push/pull of desires. Holding myself back to protect from hurt while looking for love in all the wrong places.
Seventeen years ago that changed.
A professional recruiter called to find out if I knew anyone that would be interested in moving to central Kansas. A voice that sounded like my own said, “I would.” My mind whirled with an incredulous, “I would?”
I had once vowed never to return to my roots. I had become used to “Bright lights/Big City” and yet, when I heard my voice say yes, to his, “Are you serious?” I knew I was.
I also was scared to death.
You see, Kansas is the wide open spaces. Not a lot of people with a whole lot of breathing room. You can’t hide and I had become an expert at hiding. Especially from God. Not to mention my proclivity of running from the hard things. A “fresh start” in a new place had become my answer for any bump in the road.
I prayed like crazy to know if it was the right thing for me and my little girl. We flew to Kansas for the job interview and it was great! I liked them. They liked me.
I made plans based on negotiating a larger salary than his first offer. And they hired someone else willing to take what their first offer.
But I’d learned a thing or two in those broken years. If it wasn’t God, I didn’t want it and obviously, I’d heard wrong that moving to Kansas was in my future.
The next day my phone rang. The recruiter asked, “What do you know about Atwood, Kansas.”
I answered, succinctly, “I didn’t lose anything in northwest Kansas. That’s the wrong end of the state.”
He was persuasive and he’d soon talked me into taking a look. I liked what I saw, but it was a much, much smaller town than where I’d been living and where I’d interviewed before. I decided to ask for the moon as a way out.
They said, “Yes” to the moon and the rest is history.
In June 1993, we drove past golden fields of waving grain to begin this grand adventure. Harvest was days away. Those first days tears stung my eyes many times as my heart overflowed with thankfulness that God had known I was homesick even when I didn’t and had brought me back to Kansas.
In the words of fellow Kansan, Dorothy Gale, “There’s no place like home.”
Later I met a dear friend and prayer partner who told me she had been praying for the hospital and as she enthused, “We prayed you here!” tears came as I remembered the prayer of my heart after having my daughter, “Lord, I’d like to raise her like I was raised.” I didn’t think it was possible, but He is the God of the impossible, especially when it comes to knowing the desires of our hearts.
My friends thought I’d lost my sanitymoving to the middle of nowhere as a single parent. “I know it will be good for Lauren, Kim, but what about you? How will you live in such a small place? What will you do? Don’t you want to re-marry someday?”
Little did we know, God had all of that in hand. Kary, my husband and the maker of my dreams come true, had been praying for five years to find the girl of his dreams. And crazy as it seems to me, I’m it! God has richly blessed us above all we could have asked or imagined.
If I died tomorrow, my life has mattered…..to my husband, to my children, to my friends and neighbors and co-workers here, to those who have been touched with healing in my job as a Certified Registered Nurse Anesthetist. He has given me great pastors and a wonderful church family. I have the depth of friendships I once longed for because we hold Him in common. God has given me a drama and writing ministry and used it to change lives. He has inspired me to make beautiful art glass as a hobby and a business. And I even live in a century old house with a white picket fence, just like I dreamed of.
My life is everything I have dreamed of and more, but most of all it is beautiful because of the changes He has made in me. Instead of going my own way and asking Him to bless my best efforts, I have learned that He knows my heart and to trust Him to give me what I need instead of what I think I want.
“For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “Plans to prosper you and not to harm you . Plans to give you hope and a future.” Jer. 29:11
Can you trust Him today that He knows your heart and hears even your smallest prayer? That He has a wonderful plan for your life, too!
